Kembalinya Si Khadijah

Assalamualaikum dan salam sejahtera hantu-hantu Xanga sekalian.

Apa? Kamu semua ingat saya sudah meninggalkan Xanga? Ohhh tidak sama sekali. Saya suka menulis, dan saya juga suka memporak perandakan blog orang lain dengan lawak-lawak yang saya ingatkan kelakar tapi kebanyakan orang rasa tak kelakar mana.

Begini ceritanya. P1Wimax adalah perkhidmatan internet yang hidup segan tapi degil nak mati. Menyusahkan pelanggan. Kalau ikutkan baran ini, agaknya habis jugalah pinggan mangkuk di rumah saya baling dan pijak-pijak. Berapa kali saya dikejar oleh agen-agen P1Wimax. Kadang-kadang di pusat beli-belah, kadang-kadang ketika saya sedang minum-minum di kopitiam, sehinggakan saya sedang melantak nasi kandar di kedai mamak pun depa datang tegur jugak. Rasa nak maki je ("Eh sudahla I've been conned! Gimme back my moneeeyyyy!!"). Tapi kesian pun ada. Dah itu pekerjaan agen. Yang aku patut sembelih ialah Big Boss company ni. Konpem-konpem dia tengah melepak atas sofa hisap curut tatkala aku mencarut-carut bukak internet lembab mengalahkan snail.

Anyway. Sejak sekian lama banyak betul idea yang saya ingin lepaskan di sini. Kebanyakan idea-idea penulisan itu terlampaulah bodoh sehinggakan terkeluar dari jangkaan kita sendiri. Tertanya-tanya macam mana boleh sampai ke situ kepala hotak ni boleh merepek. Kalau oarang baca cerpen macam ni punya berterabur mesti boleh naik benci dengan si penulis. Tapi Khadijah adalah Khadijah. Khadijah tak kisah orang nak kata apa. Janji Khadijah tak mati kutu. Maka saya pikir nak tulis jugalah. Dah pulak P1Wimax memati-kutukan saya. Babih.

Seminggu dari hari ini, saya akan bergelar Puan. Bukan lagi Cik. Praktis kejap. Puan Khadijah. Puan. Khadijah.

Gaaaarrrrrrr geli geleman. Tak masuk lah dengan sanubari I yang gilerr glemerr ni! Ihiks ihiks. I'm so young hokay?

Walaubagaimanapun.

Kahwin isu kedua.

Isu pertama ialah tentang obsesi saya terhadap mesin pembasuh 2 dalam 1. Membasuh dan mengering pakaian, maka tak perlu jemur pakaian. Ya saya pemalas. Tapi tak elok bazirkan teknologi yang dah tersedia. Oleh manusia untuk sesama manusia, kan. Jadi soalannya, siapa nak belikan mesin pembasuh ni sebagai hadiah kahwin ANGKAT TANGAN!!!

You Must Know What Happened To Me At 5 In The Morning, Yesterday.

I’m going to vent this out before I lose the internet. Again.

I seldom get access to the internet. When I do, I am all excited. I want to blog-hopping. I want to read. I want to place comments. I want to laugh at funny writes. Or be concerned by serious issues. The thing is, yesterday my excitement was short lived when a blogger tagged me unnecessarily. Let me narrow this, let this be clear to everyone.

I was tagged by a blogger, to recommend (although the blogger implied ever so clearly with a disclaimer on the top of his blog that it was merely a suggestion - apparently he'd foreseen not everyone would be happy about it, but why oh why he proceeded I wonder) his NOT FUNNY blog about pigs trying to take over the world by spreading swine flu to humans.

Firstly, I was pissed because after finding that I was tagged, I actually went to his page, despite the silent protest in my head. His posts have been swarming my home account, crammed with collections of pictures and videos which I would surf through the internet myself if I want to. This has been going on for quite a while (still going strong, today). With my slow internet, I will have to click many pages behind just so I could reach other bloggers' write. However, I thought this blogger had the right to post whatever he wanted in his own blog. I was just a little bit sorry that I subscribed to him as show of gratitude after I was subscribed by him.

Secondly, the issue about (or history) about swine flu which I did not find funny. Very long entry. I held my annoyance still because I had not found out what I was tagged for.

Then, finally, at the end of his infamous super long entry, there was the tag. Those who got tagged were told to fucking recommend the fucking story about pigs trying to take over the world with pictures (many, many, pictures!!) of felines ready for combats and a queen pig wearing lipstick. We were told to participate. We were supposed to do our part in telling others about this fucking so-called truth.

After all of the above, I was disconnected. The fucking internet just gave me about 20 minutes and I’d wasted it all away on a blog about pigs trying to manipulate us all.

What. The. Fuck??

Perhaps this is partly my fault. Perhaps I have never made it clear to everyone that I am not one who is happy to participate in stupid causes. I never made it clear that I do what I want. If I feel one's blog deserves to be fucking recommended, I would recommend. Furthermore, how can anyone ask other people to recommend him?

Throwing humility for the cause of gaining popularity?

You want to be popular, you want your blog to be one of the top blogs, you want excessive comments dropped by people all over the world - you do it yourself la! Don't ask to be recommended la dey come on!

Especially not to some poor old lady who finally got access to her fucking hopeless internet at 5 in the morning!

P/S: Thought this was going to be a short entry. Didn’t expect myself to be THIS angry.

Today In History

I was on the sofa, watching the tv, when the house phone rang. My younger sister (now 17), dashed out of her room to pick up the phone. Since we were the only ones in the house today, we both knew whose call it would be. We both own handphones, but I never use - nor would anyone call me using the house phone anymore.

I jumped a wee bit from where I was sitting when I heard her half-hysteric voice. Whoever called must be giving her a lifetime suprise. She was chatting in English so my guess was the friend on the other end must be her ex-schoolmate. I fixed my ears on the tv but my eyes followed my sister's form as she ran back upstairs, back into her room, snatched her handphone from her study table, and made what seemed to be an important call to another friend. Still in English. Another ex-schoolmate.

Then the house phone rang again and she hurriedly end the call and ran downstairs for the house phone. Another animated chat. Highly dramatic. English. Ex-schoolmate. Then her handphone rang from her room upstairs so up she ran again passing me who was watching her from the corner of my eyes. English. Must be the other ex-schoolmate whom she phoned which she had to abandon so that she could answer the second house phone call.

Then the fucking house phone rang, AGAIN. This time I stopped her halfway with my questioning glare.

"Oh my god I'm so dizzy," she began.

"Of what?" I asked.

"Do you remember my friend *****?"

"Who?" (merely trying to prolong her friend's wait on the house phone downstairs)

"Alaaaaaa my ex-schoolmate la!" she answered, a bit exasperated already.

"Okay okay I remember. What's up with your friend *****?"

"She's had sex! Last night! She had sex! I really have to answer the phone now!"

I watched her disappearing from my sight.

Huh?

.....................................

.....................??

(continue watching the tally)

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Then later today, being the nice sister I've always been, I went to the airport to pick up my brother from work. On the way home I decided to tell him about the history which was made earlier today.

Me : Do you remember Syaza's friend *****?

Mael : Yes... she's hot.

Me : Today in history.

Mael : What? What happened to *****?

Me : You know Syaza was quite busy today. So many calls made, so many people called.

Mael : Don't tell me - ***** died? Due to what? What happened?

Me : Dengar la dulu. Jadiknye si Syaza ni pun macam menteri la kejap lari turun jawab phone rumah kejap naik balik jawab henpon -

Mael : Must be cancer. Must be cancer. What type of cancer? Since when???

Me : I was watching the tv at the time, pastu she was shrieking a bit here and there -

Mael : Takpun eksiden keter kan? Kan?

Me : So Jah pun pening la -

Mael : Biar Mael teka biar Mael teka.... arrrr... samada cancer takpun eksiden keter. Jap eh jap jap. Ha cancer la. Dia ade cancer?

Me : Tak.

Mael : Harh! Car accident?

Me : No.

Mael : Okay okay if not that then....what else what else let me think...

Me : She had sex.

Mael : Ngakk? That was the history??!! That's what they were shrieking about??

Me : Yes.

Mael : The fuck....???!!

Me : Tu la kan.

Hatiku Yang Pedih

Ada lah seekor kucing tua ni. Badan dia terdapat tompokan-tompokan kecil kurap. Tua sangat-sangat. Bulu ekor dia pun makin lama makin nipis. Gugur teruklah agaknya. Tapi muka dia hensem. Serious tak tipu. Dia selalu merayap-rayap di sepanjang kawasan rumah aku ni. Kalau aku tengah pandu kereta selalunya aku akan berhenti tepi untuk melihat gelagat kucing tua ni. By the way aku panggil dia Si Hensem. Aku akan perhati gelagat dia sampai rasa kelakar hilang. Nak pegang tak boleh sebab dia kurap. Maka tengok saje pun jadilah.

Mata dia besar tapi kuyu. Si Hensem suka buka sekerat saja mata dia. Kepala besar. Yang menarik perhatian aku ialah kejernihan mata dia. Tak pernah aku nampak kucing mata sejernih mata Si Hensem ni. Badan dia boleh tahan tegap berisi. Walaupun tua dan kurap, dek kerana badan berisi dia tu nampaklah cuddly juga. Seperkara lagi yang menarik minat aku terhadap Si Hensem ini ialah warna bulu dia. Putih bersih bercampur tompok-tompok besar berwarna oren berbelang hitam. Macam harimau. Hidung dia pula elok mulus merah jambu melawan warna di sekeliling mulutnya yang berwarna putih. Hensem tak terkata.

Setelah sekian lama gelagat aku suka memerhati Si Hensem dan memanggil-manggil dia, akhirnya dia betah dengan aku. Bermulalah era dia mengikut aku pula ke depan pintu rumah, yang mana aku akan suruh dia tunggu depan pintu sementara aku siapkan makanan dia. Biskut Iams. Perisa ayam. Air mineral. Kemudian aku akan duduk saja perhatikan dia makan sampai habis. Dia ni kucing yang bijak. Mana-mana biskut yang terperangkat di sudut piring dia boleh cekup dengan tangan kecilnya kemudian disuap ke mulutnya. Macam orang melayu makan. Kelakar. Aku takkan pegang Si Hensem tapi aku akan benarkan dia menggesel-geselkan badannya pada seluar jeans aku. Dia suka mengangkatkan mata besar jernihnya ke arah aku dan mengiau perlahan.

Makin lama dia semakin biasa dengan aku. Sehinggalah ke satu tahap dia sudah pandai menunggu kepulanganku di tempat parkir setiap hari dan kemudian mengiringiku sehingga ke depan pintu. Habis makan seperti biasa dia akan menggeselkan badannya di seluar jeans aku.

Satu hari Si Hensem tak muncul. Esoknya pun dia tak muncul. Sehingga lebih kurang dua minggu dia hilang. Terasa rindu. Tapi mungkin dia dah bertukar selera. Agaknya. 

Tadi Si Hensem ada di  tempat parkir. Aku panggil-panggil dia. Dia bangun perlahan-lahan dan jalan lambat-lambat sehinggalah berada di sebelah aku dia menggesel-geselkan badannya pada seluar jeans aku. Tiba-tiba dia batuk kuat. Lidah terjelir-jelir seakan-akan nak muntah tapi tak ada apa-apa yang tersembur dari mulut. Tatkala Si Hensem tertunduk menahan muntah aku perasan badannya semakin susut, termasuklah bulu di ekornya. Kemudian dia angkatkan muka melihat aku. Matanya sudah tidak sejernih dulu. Warna mata juga dah bertukar.

Macam biasa aku panggil-panggil Si Hensem ajak ke depan pintu rumah. Perlahan saja dia mengikut aku jalan. Tak sampai beberapa meter dia terhenti dan batuk-batuk lagi. Bahu terhenjut-henjut sesak nafas menahan muntah. Pedih hati aku tengok keadaan dia. Sehinggalah di depan pintu rumah dia masih terbatuk-batuk. Biskut Iams pun dia makan jauh lebih perlahan dari biasa. Sambil duduk di tepi, aku perhati telinga kirinya sudah ada dua kesan robek. Kali ini, habis saja makan Si Hensem pandang aku sekilas saja. Kemudian dia batuk-batuk lagi, dan terus beredar. Aku duduk depan pintu sampai kelibatnya hilang.

Risaulah.

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P/S:

1) Internet tengah ada. Buat masa ni lah. P1 tengah okay. Tapi sangatlah tak constant. Macam ikut mood mak bapak dia je kejap ade coverage kejap takde. Lebih lama takde.

2) Trip ke Shanghai menjadi trip honeymoon for the parents. Maksudnye only my mother went. Ayahku siap balik Malaysia sekejap satu malam untuk membawa emak pergi bersama ke Shanghai keesokan harinya. Sungguh romantis. Akan tetapi. Cheis. Berkecai harapanku untuk mengepau mak bapak. Mungkin mereka sudah terbaca isihati busukku ini. Ngaaaaa...!!!